FANDOM: Life on Mars
SUMMARY: Life on Mars in less than a thousand words, as retold by The Brothers Grimm
SPOILERS: All episodes. AU.
RATING: White Cortina (it's a fairytale, folks)
WORD COUNT: 990 words
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Do I need an excuse or just a straitjacket? This was written for the 1973flashfic Beauty challenge. With many thanks to darthfi for the beta.
DISCLAIMER: Life on Mars is copyright Kudos and the BBC. No copyright infringement is intended and no money is being made.
(Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.)
Once upon a time there was a proper little princess called Sammy.
Sammy was the most blessed and beloved in all the land. So much so that at his birth, he was visited by not one but four fairy godmothers. They were called, rather improbably, Gene, Ray, Chris and Annie. (Although Gene always insisted he wasn't a fairy, and that he should be referred to as the Gene Genie. Annie, rather sarcastically, pointed out that the Gene Genie *was* a fairy.)
As fairy godmothers do, they each bestowed on little Sammy a gift. Gene gave Sammy courage, so that he should always fight for what he believed in. Ray gave him the capacity to love, to care for his fellows and treat them always as equals. Chris gave Sammy a quick intelligence and keen mind. Annie, who was possibly the brightest of all four, waved her magic wand and gifted Sammy with control of his own destiny. (No-one knows why the boys' gifts, on occasion, failed so miserably. Annie, though, shrugged her shoulders and blamed it on the fickle nature of their gender.)
Here, you see, is where the tale takes a twist. For there was one other fairy godmother in the land, an unpleasant chap, who tended to eat all the vol-au-vonts at parties. For this reason, Morgan wasn't invited to the big birth shindig (Tickets only £5!) and so he sat at home, on his own, and fumed for many hours. Annie told him to buck up and stop fretting, and besides she'd come back with some leftover pastries for him. Morgan smiled, but privately thought that leftovers weren't worth having. One night soon after, having drunk a whole bottle of rather nasty sherry, he visited little Sammy in secret and gave him a gift of his own. Morgan gave Sammy the ability to receive whatever he wished for.
Over time, little Sammy grew up and everyone he met praised him on his (occasionally) quick mind and devotion to his numerous girlfriends. Sammy had always wished to be a policeman and, thanks to Morgan's gift, he was the best policeman in all the land. (He also got what he wished for the day his father refused to take him to the football match, but Sammy doesn't remember that and it wouldn't be nice to remind him).
Then, one day, the inevitable happened. After a long day, fuelled by arguments and disappointments and errors of judgement, Sammy put his head in his hands and wished very hard to be somewhere else; far, far away.
(Some tales tell here of spinning wheels and fingers and pricks, but I always think that it's more pertinent to point out that you have to be careful what you wish for. Especially when the chances are that it will be granted. It's even more important when your fairy godmother is an alcoholic git with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.)
Sammy indeed woke up far, far away. Or, at least, far, far ago, which is pretty much the same thing. As we all know, the past is another county – one that doesn't use the same currency and where there is always dodgy food.
Yet Sammy was neither here nor there. Still trapped in sleep in the real world, his body wasted. But the world did not sleep with him and, protected by a fortress of machinery and thickets of tubing, he languished awaiting a kiss from his one true love.
Most unfortunately, he had carelessly broken the heart of his one true love several months before and she went on to marry an accountant called Gary. Gary was a fine, upstanding chap with a good credit rating and membership of the local country club.
So alone Sammy remained, back in the decade taste forgot. It would've been very lonely for him, but the good fairy godmothers – Ray and Chris and Gene and Annie – took him in and cared for him. They made sure that he was happy and that he didn’t give up. Or, at least, that he was filled with whisky and kept busy. Though privately, they weren't quite sure it was ever appreciated.
Back in the real world of grey and blue, Ruth, Sam's mother, was desperate with grief. She cried by her son's bedside every day, unable to find a solution to his awful curse. Finally, the evil godmother took some measure of pity on her (though it is also possible that he was afraid Ruth was in danger of flooding the entire North-West at that point) and settled down to some tough negotiation.
Morgan's initial request – that of Ruth's first-born son – was rejected on the grounds that it was therefore a waste of time and what on earth did he want with Sammy anyway? Ruth countered with an acceptance of Morgan's hand in marriage. But Morgan, slightly perturbed by all this, listened to his inner voice and declined her offer.
To cut a very long story short, (and to avoid the inevitable LOLCAT macros) Morgan finally agreed to bring Sammy back for the price of the internets and a bag of cookies. Which, personally, I believe is a high price to pay. But I'm only a humble storyteller, so what do I know?
Finally appeased (and looking forward to causing much mayhem on the internets), with needle and thread Morgan cast his spell and brought Sammy back from somewhere over the rainbow. Back to the real world, and reacquainted him with family and friends and even his mobile phone. But not in the hospital, because that would be dangerous.
And that, my dear readers, would be happily ever after. But it turned out that Sammy preferred being full of whisky and being thumped on a regular basis to the real world of bright lights and air conditioning. So he stood on top of the world and stepped off into the wide blue yonder.