WORD COUNT: 503
STYLE/WARNINGS: Slightly stained white cortina.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This cracky crossover of doom brought to you by none other than m31andy. YES, AGAIN, IT IS ALL HER FAULT. Well, except for the part where I'm the one who wrote it. Oops. XD Oh yeah, Life on Mars/Harry Potter. No spoilers for either series other than the conceit of both series. XD
INTRO SEQUENCE PLAYS, featuring music vaguely suggestive of magic, but
of a modern sort. Perhaps integrating electric harpsichords.
VOICEOVER is heard: My name is Sam Tyler. I had an accident and I woke
up at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. Am I mad, in a coma,
or back in time? Whatever's happened it's like I've landed on a different
planet. Now, maybe if I can work out the reason, I can get home.
INTRO SEQUENCE ENDS
CUT TO BLACK, THEN FADE UP ON A LONG, STONE CORRIDOR AND CALCULATED,
PRECISE FOOTSTEPS ECHOING DOWN THE HALL. The camera is moving forward;
presumably we are seeing from the POV of whomever is walking down the
SAM TYLER: What the bloody hell is going on here? Where am I? Why
am I wearing these ridiculous clothes? And what's this in my pocket?
SAM TYLER reaches into his pocket, pulling out a long, wooden stick
after a great deal of effort; evidently, his trousers are rather tight.
SAM TYLER then stares at the stick in wonder and horror, poking it
experimentally with his right forefinger, eyes widening as green sparks
shoot out the end.
A LONG BLACK ROBE swirls into view, coming to pool at rest around a
pair of legs clad in alarmingly well-cared-for black boots that probably
reach at least to the knee of their wearer, to whom SAM TYLER will be
introduced in just a moment.
THE WEARER OF THE LONG BLACK ROBE grabs Sam Tyler by his ridiculous
lapels and slams him into the wall, causing SAM TYLER to see stars.
BLACK ROBED MAN: I am Severus Snape, your Potions master. The year, I
assure you, is 2007---almost dinnertime. And you [wrinkles nose in a
distasteful sneer] are about to have a most unfortunate accident.
SEVERUS SNAPE pins SAM TYLER against the wall, sneering all the while
and looking as though he's got something nasty stuck on his shoe and is
trying to pull it off. SEVERUS SNAPE appears to be concentrating very
hard on a spot just at the end of SAM TYLER'S nose, which also appears to
be giving him indigestion---at least, from the look on his face. After a
short time that seems somewhat longer than it should, SEVERUS SNAPE backs
away and walks down the hall and out of sight.
SAM TYLER remembers to breathe, then makes the mistake of sticking his
hands into the pockets of his robes as he tries to figure out what to do
next. Instantly alarmed by the warm, sticky mess he encounters, he yanks
his hands out in disgust, flapping them around madly before noticing that
apparently, unbeknownst to him, his pockets were mysteriously filled with
SAM TYLER: (licking his fingers experimentally) At least they're the
right temperature; not too hot, not too cool. [shouting down hallway,
half-sarcastically] Hey, THANKS.