FANDOM: Life on Mars
SUMMARY: The Test Card Girl is bored.
RATING: Brown Cortina
WORD COUNT: 600
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Written for the 1973flashfic Puppet Challenge. Which was only proposed because lozenger8 wanted to read "Test Card Girl/Sock Puppet smut rated NC-17" It's not quite NC-17, as that would be plain wrong, but this fic is therefore dedicated to our wonderful community mod. (And, to the rest of you, I'm so, so sorry.) Beta'd by darthfi, who is taking me out for a drink tonight 'for the good of the community'...
DISCLAIMER: Life on Mars is copyright Kudos and the BBC. All Rights Reserved. No copyright infringement is intended and no money is being made.
"I'm bored!" Alice, the Test Card Girl, said in a petulant tone. Her clown just stared at her, uncomprehendingly, and she grimaced. "This wasn't how it was supposed to go! It's not fair!"
She flounced around the small room, and sat down on a small chair. She kicked her heels against the leg for a moment, half-grateful that there was no-one around to scold her for ruining the paintwork. But that meant that there was also no-one around to talk to or to play with.
She gave a heavy, affected sigh and wailed "It's not fair!"
"Well, it's not raining," a soft voice rebuked.
Alice looked around for the source of the comment, but couldn't see anyone. She pouted. "I'm not going to talk to a disembodied voice, you know."
The voice snorted. "I'm not disembodied. I'm here, over by the desk."
Alice turned her chair round so she faced the desk behind her. It was painted orange, with lots of stickers and pictures all over it. On top of the desk was a sock with round eyes, staring back at her. "Hullo," the sock puppet said.
Alice waved her fingers a little. "Hello. I'm Alice, who are you?"
"Oh, I'm just a sock puppet. Nobody important."
"Huh." She stared for a moment, then shrugged. "It's still not fair, you know."
The sock puppet would have rolled its eyes if it could. "What isn't?" it asked in long-suffering tone.
"Sam Tyler," she spat. "He was supposed to stay and play with me, not that woman copper. Now I'm on my own, except for Bubbles, and he's not the greatest conversationalist in the world."
"I thought it was a good result, actually. Or, at least, it was for you."
"He was supposed to stay with me. Now he's shagging that WDC and not me. Bastard."
"Ah, you're in love with him."
"Certainly not." Alice retorted, tartly. "I was just hoping for a chance to break his heart, that's all. Oh, and to get a little bit of 'how's your father'." She eyed the sock puppet and a calculating look crossed her face.
"You know, here's you and here's me." She winked. "How about it, gorgeous?"
The sock puppet was clearly taken aback. "No!" it exclaimed.
Alice got up and crossed over to the desk. "Oh, go on." She lowered her voice a little. "I'll let you go down on me..."
"Aren't you a little underage?" the sock puppet remarked, nervously, trying to sidle away from her.
"I am as unchanging as the Universe; almost as old, twice as pretty."
"It's still disturbing. And what about me? I'm a sock puppet, I'm a little deficient in the bedroom department."
Alice drew in closer still, and put a restraining hand on its head. "So's Bubbles. It doesn't stop him from having a good time."
The sock puppet gulped, most likely wishing, not for the first time, that it hadn't started this conversation with the Test Card Girl.
"How about a nice game of chess instead?"
"Only if it's strip chess," Alice grinned.
"Noughts and crosses?"
"Oh, I'm bored of noughts and crosses. How about 'hide the sausage'?"
"Doctors and Nurses? I love a man with a stethoscope."
"Oh, I prefer Unhappy Families. Pairing up Mr Sock with Miss Red. Much more fun."
"Let's, let's just talk about this? Eh?"
Alice bent forward slightly and stared into its eyes. "What a wonderful idea. You've a major advantage over Bubbles, you know."
The sock puppet stared back. "And what's that?"
"You can talk dirty to me anytime."
AN: Yes, I'm going to scrub my brain out with bleach now.